Calling all the single ladies! Have you ever found yourself telling a friend that you just don’t know what happened but Mr. Swept You Off Your Feet suddenly lost interest and the first thing out of their mouth was “Did you sleep with him?” (cue sympathetic but condescending look). I have definitely had this conversation. I have also had plenty of discussions with numerous people about the merits of waiting to be deflowered (is it still considered being deflowered if it isn’t your first Spring? Maybe we’re more like semi-annual flowers or blossoms that bloom after every harvest. Anyways . . . .) in order to be respected by a guy and seen as the great girl I am. I understand and appreciate that the people who care about me don’t want me to be judged or labeled as something I am not but at the same time women, especially single women, walk around with the weight of these preconceived ideas already and spend far too much time overthinking, analyzing, and sometimes regretting what we think it says about us if we have sex too soon. (If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a huge fan of the run-on sentence)

So what is ‘too soon’? I have been given varied answers on how long I should wait to have sex while I’m getting to know someone new – 3 dates, 6 dates, 6 weeks, 3 months, the list goes on and on. Everyone has an opinion; you need to make sure they think of you as more than just an object, make them work for it, leave them wanting more but don’t be a tease . Doesn’t it seem like such a contradiction! I’m not saying that there isn’t any validity at all to this well intentioned advice but to me, it makes it seem like too much of a game that both sides are trying to win – so if my objective is to not give it up does that make sex check mate (or if you’re like me and play much less intellectually challenging games – yahtzee!)? I don’t know that I want ‘the chase’ to become more of the focus than everything else.

When it comes to knockin’ boots, I personally seem to lack restraint. I have never hardly ever waited. I have had sex and then ended up building a relationship after but I’ve also had sex and then wondered if that was why they weren’t calling anymore. I figure that if a guy isn’t interested just because we slept together then he’s probably not right for me and it’s his loss  (that can be hard to remember at times). I have often told myself that I was going to slow down and not have sex too soon (there’s that phrase again) but then the man du jour seemed different, the connection seemed real, my pants seemed to take themselves off or maybe I just wanted to have sex! I think a big part of feeling so conflicted and deciding ahead of time to wait then changing my mind each time was that pesky little thin line – the line between delaying sex and being thought of as withholding sex. That’s right, I didn’t want to be considered a tease. I started worrying about making sexual jokes, being overtly sexual, or seeming like I was easy. Since then, I have realized that I’m an adult: sex is a part of life, it’s a very big part of a relationship and I can talk about, joke about and think about it without it meaning that I am going to do it with you now, tomorrow, next week or even ever unless I decide I want to!

Recently I was dating somebody and we went 6 whole dates without sleeping together and let me tell you it was the most surreal thing ever – I would tell everyone who would listen that I didn’t know what to make of it but he just wasn’t trying anything. Did I just have a new movie buddy who kissed me goodnight? I mean my couch is comfy and I live alone so maybe he just liked the scenery. Eventually we did have sex and I congratulated myself on waiting and finally having some self control until I figured out that I didn’t really wait – the first time he put the moves on me, we slept together. That’s when it dawned on me: I don’t know how to not have sex!

I have been missing out on the build up. I have been completely skipping an important part of sex – the emotional and mental ‘foreplay’ that leads up to it. Novelist Paulo Coelho said (and I paraphrase) “Anyone who is observant knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” I have been overlooking the fucking dance! (That wasn’t supposed to be a pun). So you know what, I am going to be a tease, but the person I’m going to be teasing is myself. I’m going back to the time when the guy you couldn’t get enough of put his hand on the small of your back or touched your arm and it sent shivers up your spine or made you blush. I’m going to recapture that feeling you had at your first kiss when just kissing was enough and you could do it forever. I’m going to remember that there is so much to be discovered between kissing and sleeping together. I am going to learn to enjoy the time spent not having sex so that I end up enjoying it even more when it happens. Mainly, I’m going to stop worrying about when I should sleep with someone and look at sex with someone new in a completely different light.

I still feel that the right time is a completely subjective and individual decision. It’s only too soon  if you don’t feel ready. Anyone who tells that there are guidelines to follow or deadlines to hit are just giving you advice because they don’t want to see you hurt. Remember that it is only advice, which is defined as an opinion or recommendation offered. No one can make rules for you to follow except you. Make decisions that make you happy and don’t beat yourself up too much when you make ones that don’t. We often don’t know what we want until we’ve experienced the opposite.