How many times have you sat around watching a romantic comedy and thought why can’t life be like that? The scenario ~ You: beautiful but don’t know it, much more quick witted than is humanly possible with a silver tongue and amazing street smarts but incredibly jaded; Him: way too self assured, amazingly good looking, a secret heart of gold and a talent like poetry, painting or song writing. By now I bet you know the story line, Guy XYZ meets you (you being me and all the women reading this), he’s infatuated and you are too but the inherent distrust of men that has been ingrained in you for years makes you apprehensive and unwilling to succumb to his charm. After a lot of sarcastic banter he gets you to agree to let him take you out. You start spending time together and get glimpses of the sweet sensitive side that he never shows to anyone else but of course he does something thoughtless and blows it and you tell him that you never want to see him again. He spends weeks to months (or depending on the movie, maybe years) calling you, sending you flowers, getting your friends to understand his point of view, and making sure that you know that he can face any amount of rejection until he wins you back. Eventually, he’s about to give up and stops trying to woo you when you’re in the center of town running mindless errands and see a sign of something sweet he’s done and you realize you can’t live without him but what if you’re too late. You rush to find him, run into his arms and kiss. Roll the credits.

You’re going to read this and think that screenwriting isn’t in my future and you’re right but at some you watched that very movie and wished for a relationship and a guy just like that. At one point we all have. What’s wrong with that? Well, just about everything. Movies, tv shows and stories like that teach us that if a guy really likes you, you should be able to turn him down to see how far he’s willing to go to win you over. You should epitomize ‘hard to get’. Don’t let him know you’re interested, make him work to catch your attention, give off no tell tale signs that it’s working; in short make sure he has a chase. These fictional relationships lead us down all the wrong paths when trying to figure out what dating should really be like.

I was sitting around a few years ago with a group of friends talking and two of my friends who are in a relationship started telling the story about how they started dating. They met at a party and talked for a while and he asked for her number which she gave him. He happened to be in the midst of job interviews at the time so was making a lot of phone calls and was really exhibiting the go get ’em attitude. He called her and left her a message saying that he enjoyed meeting her the other night and would like to see her again soon and was so caught up in the direct, businesslike approach that he had had to take on that he ended the call by saying if he didn’t hear from her he would try her back within a few days. We all had a good laugh at the idea that he basically said that if she wasn’t interested and didn’t call him he would just keep calling her. It really was funny because that is so not the kind of guy that my friend is, his girlfriend at the time (now his wife) saved the voicemail for years because it made her laugh when she listened to it. To me, that kind of story seemed completely the norm: the nice, easy going guy who is direct and lets you know that he’s interested but far from pushy or overbearing.

But now, I have found that the norm is not as much of a standard as I thought. Another guy friend of mine was telling me about meeting a girl he was interested in and told me that he asked her out but she turned him down, stating that she was seeing someone. He said that they are facebook friends and he really didn’t see any evidence on her wall that she’s involved so how long do I think he should wait until he asks her again. My response was “you don’t ask again”. He told me that he had been afraid I would say that and argued that he really didn’t think she was in a relationship. I explained that that didn’t matter. She said no, not try again later. I also told him that her reasons are irrelevant because at the end of the day she doesn’t owe him any explanation. My pal seemed very displeased with what I had had to say while I really couldn’t figure out why what I was saying was such a hard concept to grasp.

As I have dated more myself now, I have also run into a few guys who don’t seem to understand that I’m telling them no or at least that I actually mean it. This Spring, a guy reached out to me on the online dating site I was using and asked me out for a drink. I didn’t know him well enough to want to say yes and happened to be working late that evening so told him that I couldn’t because I was going to be spending the night at my office. He told me that he would be fine meeting up for last call.  That was not really an offer that I was interested in so I passed. He got ahold of me again a few days later and struck up a conversation and asked what I was looking for. I gave him my standard answer of not having a set expectation but if something serious developing isn’t even an option for someone then they aren’t right for me and he told me that he was looking for someone to have fun with in and out of bed but mostly in bed so we agreed that we were not looking for the same thing and that was that. Just about five months later he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I reminded him that we had decided that we were not in the same place as far as what we wanted but he told me that he was now ready for a relationship and would like to meet me. I’ll admit I was flattered at first that he had kept me in mind and that there must be something about me that made him think of me for both options. I hung out with him once but as I got to know him more I wasn’t convinced that this was a good fit. He kept opting out of plans to meet in public and instead would suggest things that involved us always being alone such as me coming over and watching a movie with him.  He even went as far as to tell me once that if anything physical were to happen between us I shouldn’t worry, because it wouldn’t be just a one time thing. With him, every time we attempted to make plans, it always involved being within very close proximity to his bed. I told him that while he may be looking for more than he was before, it was still not what I was looking for. He wanted us to spend time together while he figured out if a relationship was something he was open to but since to me that sounded like, I want to sleep with you and then will decide if I’m interested being around you with clothes on, I said no. I don’t think I can convey what a long, drawn out process telling him no was (and this wasn’t my ooops I wasn’t direct about this schtick, this was me saying ‘this is not something I’m interested in, this is not a good idea for me’).  I heard from him for weeks while he tried to change my mind; first direct texts getting right to the point trying to let me know that he really felt like we should give this a shot then nonchalant ‘hey, how’ve you been’ texts trying to trap me into a conversation to see if my resolve would weaken. I got to the point where I had said no so many times that I just stopped responding. A few weeks went by and a little over a month ago I received a message from him online that he had gotten a new phone and needed my number, well the lack of communication that I was planning on having with him made me feel it unnecessary to send it so I didn’t. Over the next few days, I got about 5 or 6 more messages in total asking for it then my favorite, the indignant “Ummm Hellloooo” — at that point I went ahead and clicked block sender. Just about two weeks ago I got the message shown above, “Hey! I remade a profile to try one last time w u. I know what I want. Not just messing around. I promise. Plz text me (phone number blacked out for privacy purposes). I’ll leave u alone if u choose not to don’t worry lol” then 15 minutes later, “Hope to hear back”. What is not shown is that there were about five or six more messages reiterating pretty much the same thing until he finally sent a message the end of last week that said “Plz just one text” yeah, because I really think that the best thing to do right now would be to let you have my phone number again. I decided enough was enough and sent him a message to not contact me again. After that I decided to take a break from the online dating sites and took my profile down, which I had already been thinking about doing but this made me think it definitely was time.

I couldn’t believe how much more common it was than I had previously thought to say no and not have it be the only time that I needed to say it. I’m not trying to say that guys are the only ones who can’t take rejection or that the male species as a whole doesn’t seem to understand what no means but it’s disheartening to see and no one should have to put up with it.  Recently I read an article that brought up what I thought was a great point about the message that is sent out about saying and hearing the word no. Why I Never Play Hard To Get by Rachael Kay Albers  http://feminspire.com/why-i-never-play-hard-to-get/ , talks about society teaching us that no is not a definitive term but an obstacle and romantic comedies being one major vehicle for that theory. I agree completely, we’re teaching girls that the word no is a test, and that romance blossoms when a man overcomes your objections and makes you go back on your decision and if they don’t continue to try after you say no then they didn’t want you enough. We’re teaching boys that no is not a term to respect – stand in her yard with a boombox over your head, pull her into a kiss when she’s screaming that she never wants to see you again, interrupt a wedding that she’s a bridesmaid in to try and get her back (Wedding Crashers), etc.  I’m not saying that a man who ignores a woman telling him no is blameless but I think that we should work harder to not send such muddied messages.

I have to be an honest and tell you that unfortunately I doubt that means I will never watch a rom-com again. I might even sit there hoping that the woman forgives the man and they end up together. But as someone who has said No thanks, I’m not interested and had it interpreted as I said no so that must really mean I don’t know what I want and you should keep trying to convince me, I would love to see a romantic comedy or two dial it down and show a woman being clear about what she wants and a guy who takes no for an answer.