Kiss-taken Identity? Mistaken For A Crazy Girl

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Attraction: the electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together; the gravitation force exerted by one body on another. The definition may be scientific but it embodies the magnetism we feel when we see someone that enthralls us (I used a dictionary AND a thesaurus, can’t you tell?). There is nothing like the feeling of suddenly being drawn to someone else. That feeling can be almost intoxicating and sometimes seems to have the same effect on our behavior.
When setting your sights on a certain someone (who sells seashells by the seashore?? What’s with the alliteration?!), it is typical to go out of our way to try to get their attention. A smile, eye contact that lasts longer than normal, batting your eyes (I don’t think anyone actually does that but it fit), laughing loudly, touching the other person; there are probably endless ways. We all do our best to try and catch the eye of the object of our affection. I am guilty of this and doubt I am the only one. If only this were going to be a post about my successful times getting a guy’s attention; fortunately for you, it’s not. I’ve decided instead to write about the time that the attention I ended up getting was a little bit less than positive. . . 
My senior year in college, as the year was winding down and we were getting into the fun activities right before graduation, I found myself interested in someone.  We had been at the same school for the past four years and had a lot of the same friends but had never met before. He had spent the last semester in LA and was back at school only for the week to participate in the festivities and attend graduation. One of our mutual friends decided to introduce us because he knew that LA (not the greatest nickname I know, but we all called him a nickname so I can’t use that and I seem to be coming up empty in the nickname creating dept. tonight) needed a ticket to go on the senior booze cruise and I happened to have an extra. After we talked that night I decided to give him my ticket (no, that’s not a metaphor . . .well, actually it might be) and I realized that I was attracted to him. There was plenty going on that week so I ran into him almost every night, we flirted here and there and I often hoped to get his attention when we were in the same place. It seemed to be working, I noticed him watching me a few times and he even walked by me at a senior event and ruffled my hair.
Later in the week after a party, I was crashing at a house that six of my guy friends lived in because the train had already stopped running that night and it just so happened that LA was spending the night there as well. We spent some time together that evening and ended up, let’s say, getting to know each other better. A few nights later we were both at a party that happened to be at my friend John’s apartment. John had gone home to New Jersey and he wasn’t there for the gathering that his roommates were throwing so my roommate and I snuck into his room to leave him a note. John and I had this running gag that I was in love with him so I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote him a fake love letter. The letter was meant to be creepy and it was ~ “I’m blowing you a kiss that you can’t dodge”, “I was so excited to be in the same room that you sleep in”, “Love forever and ever”. I left the letter on John’s pillow and went out to enjoy the party. After that night, I ran into LA very infrequently but when I did I definitely got the impression that he was actively avoiding me. It bummed me out a little but I didn’t give it that much thought. We all graduated and had one last big party. As the night went on, it became clear that he was trying to stay as far away from me as possible. I decided to pull him aside to see what was going on but when I did, he gave me this talk about only being here for such a short time and not wanting to get my hopes up or make me think that this could be more than it was. Well I wasn’t hurt or upset but I was definitely insulted. I couldn’t believe how conceited he must be to imagine that fooling around with him once was going to make me fall head over heels or make me desperate to be with him.
LA became old news and a few weeks later I was telling the story about sneaking into John’s room and mentioned that I was surprised to not have heard from him after leaving my creepy, funny, over the top love letter. A mutual friend of all three of us told me that LA had stayed at their apartment that night and had slept in John’s room so perhaps he moved the note from John’s pillow and forgot to put it back. And that’s when I realized, that while I had signed my name on the note, I had not addressed it to anyone. . . My roommate was right nearby and heard and whispered to me “Oh my god! LA found the note and thought you left it on his pillow!”. Yup, that’s right. I hooked up with a guy and left a profession of love on his pillow. So yeah, it wouldn’t be that far fetched that he would feel the need to explain that things were not becoming serious between us (and try to let the crazy girl, who fell in love with him after one night, down gently).
At the time, this story felt cringeworthy but life is meant to be memorable which doesn’t mean it’s meant to always go smoothly. So go ahead, make eye contact with the cute guy at bar, smile at him and do things to catch his eye but remember whenever you write a love letter – real or fake, maybe write the name of who it’s to on it.

Break Ups: Fake It Til You Make It? (or pretend to be eaten by a bear?)

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“Nothing Lasts Forever”. “All Good Things Must Come To An End”. “This Too Shall Pass”. “Everything In Life Is Temporary”. We are constantly being told that nothing in life is permanent and are reminded to enjoy and appreciate the great moments when they are here and urged to do our best in times of sadness as they won’t always be here either. The hope is that the amazing times in our lives will fill us with enough joy and happiness to carry with us from then on and the bad times will strengthen us and help us  and we will learn from them. We all know that, especially in relationships, this is very true.  Relationships end all the time; some do last a lifetime and come as close to forever as possible while others are much more fleeting. Unfortunately most of us will one day find ourselves in a situation where, in order to find the kind of the love that will indeed last us a lifetime, we must end things with someone that shouldn’t be in our lives for that long. We all know the old saying about loving someone and setting them free to see if they were ever really ours to begin with, but what about those we set free and don’t want to have come back to us?

The end of filming a movie is signaled by yelling “that’s a wrap”, the film itself ends in credits scrolling through on the screen, a song fades out at the end, a theatrical production ends in applause (we’re not even going into an opera, there’s no need to repeat for the millionth time what they say about that . . .).  What seems to always be uncertain is what the curtain call is supposed to be for a relationship and how do you handle it when you notice the lights fading up signaling that things are over but your partner doesn’t?

The song says that “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and in my opinion they hit the proverbial nail on the head (yeah I know we’re pretty quote/lyric heavy here today but clearly this is a much covered topic). Break ups are so complicated and most often the longer you were with someone and allowed your lives to entangle, the harder they are to UNtangle. I could go on and on writing up all the ways in which things can get messy: financially, emotionally, etc. We have all been through tumultuous love recovery periods in our lives and surely have come out on the other end of a relationship or two with a broken heart. But today let’s talk about when we are the heartbreaker. I won’t pretend to have a ton of experience being the one to end things (being in as long term of a relationship as I was tends to limit that a bit) but have had to do it nonetheless. It’s not something that I enjoy (but then again, who does?) and I’m trying to learn how to do a better job of it.

Personally, I tend to be a people pleaser. If they’re happy, then I’ll eventually be happy too, right? Wrong. Putting yourself first is tough but more and more I’m finding that isn’t something that I’m willing to overlook any longer. That means breaking up with someone when things don’t feel right. Sometimes it even means ‘pre-date breaking up’ (that’s my own little term for ending things with someone before they actually ever begin) and that is something that I am getting a lot of experience in.

I seem to still be trying to find my way a bit in regards to how to call it quits with someone. I have had times where I really felt that I handled things well and other times where it didn’t go as I planned. My favorite way for things to end with someone I don’t see myself being with is for things to kind of just fizzle, which usually means that it was mutual and you can pick up and move on easily without any hurt feelings or hard discussions but that doesn’t seem to happen as often as I would hope. One thing that has always driven me crazy when it has been done to me is the whole ‘just don’t reply’ approach to ending things. That has never sat well with me and so that is something that I just won’t do to someone else. I will always explain that things won’t be going any further between us. That being said, I have had guys who didn’t seem to want to respect my decision and weren’t backing off after being told no and so I have stopped answering them or blocked them from being able to get in touch with me and that I have no qualms about doing that (no means no, remember).  Recently, I went out with someone (a guy that I probably shouldn’t have even agreed to go on a date with to be honest, because I could just tell we weren’t going to hit it off) and I patted myself on the back for being straightforward but kind and explaining that he had done nothing wrong (as a response to him apologizing for ‘blowing it’) but that I just didn’t think there was any chemistry between us and wished him the best of luck. I felt like such an adult, like I had unlocked my ability to break up effectively.

Well . . . that was short lived, just this week I found myself having to tell the Vegan (remember him from Living (sorta) Young, (sometimes) Wild and Free ?) that it was time to cut our losses and sure enough my old bad break up habit crept back in. Now, this habit stems from good intentions but it’s still one that I have to shake. I so don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or offend them, so I end up telling one small truth in order to omit the giant truth behind why I am calling things off. The problem with that is, in leaving out what I consider to be the major reason I don’t want to be with someone, I make them think that there is a chance that they can fix things when it’s just not the case. When I was ready to leave my ex, I desperately didn’t want to tell him I wasn’t in love with him anymore; it wasn’t something I knew how to say to someone. Instead, I used a legitimate truth that I believed to be the trump card: he never wanted to get married and have kids.  It was an issue that we both knew would at some point bring us to a crossroads and I decided to use the ‘we just want different things’ excuse. Big Mistake. He started trying to really think about whether or not that was what he wanted when what I really wanted was to not be with him anymore. Fast forward to trying to let the Vegan down easy, a certain scaredy cat decides to use her hectic schedule and imminent move to claim poor timing as the driving force behind feeling like we shouldn’t make plans to get together. And again, just like before, my trying to be nice backfired. He responded that I just need to relax, he didn’t want me to be stressed and he doesn’t mind holding off because he thinks getting to know me will be worth the wait . . .Oops.

Now I’ve used too many old sayings in this post to stop now, so like they say “Practice Makes Perfect” and it looks like I just need to keep on practicing. Clearly I need to find a better balance between letting someone down easy and being true to myself and honest with them. Not sure that’s it’s the worst problem that a single girl could have.  I’ll just keep having a good time dating, navigating various relationships and figuring out what is temporary and what seems like it could last as close to forever as I can find.

The Giveaway!!!!!

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Hey Everybody,

I am doing a giveaway for the month of October. If you have been following me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/kissingfrogsadventuresindating , you are already familiar but wanted to post it on here so that everyone has a chance to win!

So the moment has finally come to let all of you know how to win this awesome necklace from Two Kids NYC https://www.facebook.com/TwoKidsNYC?ref=br_tf . . .
First of all, now that I have been doing this for just over a month, let me tell you how much I LOVE writing Kissing Frogs: My Adventures in Dating and I love having this facebook page and I want to thank all of you for being a part of this.
Kissing Frogs was inspired by all the talks I have had with friends, sitting around sharing laughs and stories about dating and all the frogs we have kissed. And that’s what I love: THE DISCUSSION!!! And that’s what I’m looking for ~ more discussion – enough about me and what I think (well, maybe not completely but . . .) I want to hear from YOU!
So in order to enter to win, you have to participate – anytime you comment you will be entered to win. That’s right. Every time you comment on a post on WordPress or here on Facebook during the month of October, you will be entered to win. Participation counts Ladies (and Gents, why not get a little love by winning the love necklace for a special someone)!
So here we go, let’s laugh about love, guys, dating and let your thoughts be heard here.
Pucker Up
Muah!

Living (sorta) young (sometimes) wild and free

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645e1c266dc4b6583265d7c7754dc37aSeven years: a blink of an eye or an eternity? I think that the answer depends on what seven years is the sum of. In regards to the seven years I am thinking of, the answer is both. What seven year span am I talking about? My last relationship.

Ending a seven year relationship when you are twenty six years old is pretty surreal. At that time, I had been a part of a couple for almost my entire adult life. I had thought about ending things between us a few times in the last two or three years that we were together but had always changed my mind. When I was finally ready to leave, I realized that in the back of my head that whole time (now very much making it’s way into the forefront) was a fear or being single. The anxiety of being on my own made me drag out the breakup and lie not only to him but to myself as well, about what it was I was feeling. I was scared that, even though my life with him wasn’t what I wanted, my life without him would be even worse.

I moved out on my own and wasn’t sure what to expect.  This was my first time living by myself, I imagined my life being lonely, boring and sad. And was I? Yeah of course I was at times, who wouldn’t be after living with other people for twenty six years? But that was only at first.  I started spending more time with friends, friends who I probably should have been making more time for all along. This also happened to coincide with me taking on more responsibilities and longer hours at work. Having a full schedule that kept me occupied was such a big help. Finally (and I really do believe that this is a progression and that this final step sneaks up on you), I started being more comfortable being alone and having chunks of time to myself. All of a sudden, I realized that I was having a blast leading a really fun and happy, although sometimes hectic, life as a single woman.

I became so busy that I started to worry that I was just too busy to date. I still do feel that way sometimes. A common perception of the single girl who starts to date is that she trades in countless nights spent on her couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt for evenings in an LBD (haha, let’s discuss this misconception ~ when was the last time you put on a LITTLE BLACK DRESS to go on a first date? How about BT,B,JAB ~BLACK TANK, BLAZER, JEANS AND BOOTS) enjoying a night of exotic cocktails and dancing. I for one, have so few evenings home on the couch that I have to be pretty interested in a guy to want to trade too many of these nights in in order to spend time with him.  I’ve stopped putting too much pressure on myself to be open minded and realized that if something feels like a deal breaker then maybe it is for me, and I don’t necessarily need to talk myself out of feeling that way. For example (and I feel like I’m going to catch flack for saying this but for the sake of honesty I’m going to write it anyways) I had been planning on going on a date with a new guy and am now on the fence. Why? Well, one thing that I can’t help but feel like is a major strike against him is that he is a vegan. I love cooking for, and with, someone I’m dating; the idea of preparing two dinners for one just doesn’t appeal to me. Silly as it may seem, I’m also a huge fan of going out to breakfast (no joke, widely known fact about me) and he already told me he doesn’t enjoy that as his menu options are limited. Now, don’t get me wrong, any dietary decisions you make are your choice and you shouldn’t be judged for them and this guy in particular has chosen this due to inhumane animal killing practices. That being said, I am a meat eater through and through and he has made a few comments already alluding that he would be actively trying to get me to change my ways and I have gotten the sense that there is a bit of judgement on his part towards me that I’m pretty satisfied with my own eating habits and don’t plan on changing. (I had texted a good friend and asked if I was going to sound like a simpleton for admitting that I didn’t see myself dating a vegan and she responded “No. You can explain thats it’s really just that if you are going to be serious about giving something the chance to grow you have to be able to see yourself long term being comparable lifestyle-wise and as a girl who loves her red meat still mooing, you can’t see yourself compromising for quinoa and bean curd”. Well said, byline pending. . . Since I’m opting to be anonymous myself, I won’t be putting her name to the quote unless she decides that’s what she wants but don’t be surprised if this is revised to add a footnote.

The other thing I find myself wanting to know from prospective dates is what they miss most about being in a relationship. I ask this for a few reasons; one being that they may have a completely different idea of what being in a relationship is like than I do. If they are looking for someone to spend every waking moment with, I’m not the girl for them. The last guy I dated used to tease me about my ‘one night a week’ dating – now that was an exaggeration, I have no fixed number of times set aside to spend with someone and we probably saw each other about three times a week or so but once we decided to be exclusive he started trying to make sure that we spent time together every day and honestly, that was a bit too much for me. The other reason I ask is because truthfully, I don’t know that there is a whole lot about being in a relationship that I miss. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t plenty that I enjoyed but I don’t feel like my life is missing anything.

I think that writing this post, I’m making myself out to sound like the iron maiden and I definitely don’t mean to.  I’m not set on a life alone, it’s just that I don’t mind it either. I don’t have a ton of free time and therefore do become a bit protective of it. I’ve decided not to feel ashamed about considering whether or not I’m interested enough in a guy to choose going out with him over a fun night out with friends, or whether I’m going to regret shuffling my work schedule around and going into work two hours early the next day in order to see him that night, or maybe it has been a really long time since I lounged on my couch, glass of wine in hand, watching a chick flick!

So a seven year relationship that felt like an eternity then and an existence that I was scared to break out of, now does feel like the blink of an eye. My life now, the single life that I was terrified of, makes me content and is comfortable and happy. To think that I went from being afraid of being alone to being concerned about having to incorporate someone else into my life seems like such irony. I’ve decided that there is nothing wrong with leading a busy life and when the right person comes along I will make time for them because they will be worth it. Until then, there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish with my free time living sorta young, sometimes wild and free.

One Night Stand Interrupted: Dick Pic to Too Quick Dick

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Being single, I often feel like I need to be able to give a clear, concise explanation of what I want and what I’m looking for. Finding a way to successfully relay this can feel like being called on in class to give a response when you weren’t quite paying attention to the question. My most recent answer has been that I am not looking for anything in particular and have no real expectations when I meet a guy or begin to date them because when you’re too focused on finding a relationship you’re bound to settle instead of finding someone who’s right for you. For the most part, I think that this is a pretty honest answer but there are times that I waiver. I sometimes find myself in a bit of an inner conflict when the self proclaimed ‘looking for more than sex’ girl finds herself thinking that just sex with someone wouldn’t be so bad.

One Night Stands: everyone has had them. Some people love them and find them liberating and fun, others find them unsatisfying and degrading and some people just plain won’t share the details. Me? I have a history of having terrible one night stands. In fact, I seem to have a pattern of more often than not, having incomplete one night stands. There was the guy who changed his mind while in bed with me (I’d go into more detail but that is a post all in it’s own), one who was too drunk, and one who probably smokes too much weed (I may be giving too much personal info about myself away but oh well). What can I say, sometimes I just can’t seem to seal the deal.

Most recently, I had gotten a message from a guy on the online dating site I use. He seemed cute and funny. I found him to be extremely charming. He even sent me a photo of himself with a bit of a scruffy beard and asked if I was okay with it or preferred him clean shaven. When I told him, rather off the cuff, that I didn’t have a preference because I hadn’t seen him without one, he went and immediately shaved in order to show me my options. He was the most promising dating prospect I had had in awhile. As we continued to talk, a few sexual innuendos here and there turned into him alluding to sex quite a bit. I realized that there was only one thing he was looking to get out of this.

I probably should have decided that this was the time to jump ship but I was having fun talking and flirting with him. I started thinking that having something less than serious wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I also was kind of patting myself on the back for identifying the type of guy he is vs. being caught off guard and ending up disappointed when things didn’t end up the way I thought that they would. I figured that maybe, even if this was more or less all about sex, we might enjoy each other’s company and have a good time. It seems that I had also forgotten how notorious I am for having disastrous one night stands.

Now, one thing that I tend to do, which you probably all think is for privacy sake in my blogs but is actually just something I do when talking to friends about a guy I’m interested in is give them a nickname (probably a defense mechanism on my part but we’ll skip psycho analyzing me for now). Due to a risque photo he sent me (for the record I do not send naked photos of myself!), I referred to this particular man as Dick Pic. Dick Pic and I beat around the bush for awhile (wow, I really wrote that huh?) and finally I was ready to invite him back to my place.

The night was not anywhere near as fun as I thought it would be. The chemistry felt a bit forced, I wasn’t enjoying myself as much as I had hoped and just as things were getting going, he got a little too excited. That’s right, like I said Dick Pic turned into Too Quick Dick. . . So there I am, laying in bed with pretty much a stranger while he tells me that he thinks he must’ve been nervous and that’s why he had a “short fuse tonight” but he wants a rain check because he will do much better next time. Now I have never had that happen to me before but we all know that there are ways to turn the evening around. Nope, DP gets up, says goodbye and off he goes. Well, there’s another partial one night stand for the books.

Sometimes I think that it that serves me right. I walk around thinking, most of the time, that I would like more of a connection than just physical so when I do cave and try to have that purely physical connection it just doesn’t go like I plan. But then again, life never goes as planned so why should this be any different. I can’t say that I’ll never try to have a one night stand or a relationship that’s based solely on sex again but it definitely isn’t my main focus. Maybe someday I’ll have a great, mind blowing night with a stranger. Then again maybe I won’t. I do know that I will keep having fun, interesting and funny experiences while I keep on going on these adventures in dating. I already told you I plan on kissing my share of frogs along the way.

Sex ~ Worth the Wait? a.k.a Maybe I Do Wanna Be A Tease?

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Calling all the single ladies! Have you ever found yourself telling a friend that you just don’t know what happened but Mr. Swept You Off Your Feet suddenly lost interest and the first thing out of their mouth was “Did you sleep with him?” (cue sympathetic but condescending look). I have definitely had this conversation. I have also had plenty of discussions with numerous people about the merits of waiting to be deflowered (is it still considered being deflowered if it isn’t your first Spring? Maybe we’re more like semi-annual flowers or blossoms that bloom after every harvest. Anyways . . . .) in order to be respected by a guy and seen as the great girl I am. I understand and appreciate that the people who care about me don’t want me to be judged or labeled as something I am not but at the same time women, especially single women, walk around with the weight of these preconceived ideas already and spend far too much time overthinking, analyzing, and sometimes regretting what we think it says about us if we have sex too soon. (If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a huge fan of the run-on sentence)

So what is ‘too soon’? I have been given varied answers on how long I should wait to have sex while I’m getting to know someone new – 3 dates, 6 dates, 6 weeks, 3 months, the list goes on and on. Everyone has an opinion; you need to make sure they think of you as more than just an object, make them work for it, leave them wanting more but don’t be a tease . Doesn’t it seem like such a contradiction! I’m not saying that there isn’t any validity at all to this well intentioned advice but to me, it makes it seem like too much of a game that both sides are trying to win – so if my objective is to not give it up does that make sex check mate (or if you’re like me and play much less intellectually challenging games – yahtzee!)? I don’t know that I want ‘the chase’ to become more of the focus than everything else.

When it comes to knockin’ boots, I personally seem to lack restraint. I have never hardly ever waited. I have had sex and then ended up building a relationship after but I’ve also had sex and then wondered if that was why they weren’t calling anymore. I figure that if a guy isn’t interested just because we slept together then he’s probably not right for me and it’s his loss  (that can be hard to remember at times). I have often told myself that I was going to slow down and not have sex too soon (there’s that phrase again) but then the man du jour seemed different, the connection seemed real, my pants seemed to take themselves off or maybe I just wanted to have sex! I think a big part of feeling so conflicted and deciding ahead of time to wait then changing my mind each time was that pesky little thin line – the line between delaying sex and being thought of as withholding sex. That’s right, I didn’t want to be considered a tease. I started worrying about making sexual jokes, being overtly sexual, or seeming like I was easy. Since then, I have realized that I’m an adult: sex is a part of life, it’s a very big part of a relationship and I can talk about, joke about and think about it without it meaning that I am going to do it with you now, tomorrow, next week or even ever unless I decide I want to!

Recently I was dating somebody and we went 6 whole dates without sleeping together and let me tell you it was the most surreal thing ever – I would tell everyone who would listen that I didn’t know what to make of it but he just wasn’t trying anything. Did I just have a new movie buddy who kissed me goodnight? I mean my couch is comfy and I live alone so maybe he just liked the scenery. Eventually we did have sex and I congratulated myself on waiting and finally having some self control until I figured out that I didn’t really wait – the first time he put the moves on me, we slept together. That’s when it dawned on me: I don’t know how to not have sex!

I have been missing out on the build up. I have been completely skipping an important part of sex – the emotional and mental ‘foreplay’ that leads up to it. Novelist Paulo Coelho said (and I paraphrase) “Anyone who is observant knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” I have been overlooking the fucking dance! (That wasn’t supposed to be a pun). So you know what, I am going to be a tease, but the person I’m going to be teasing is myself. I’m going back to the time when the guy you couldn’t get enough of put his hand on the small of your back or touched your arm and it sent shivers up your spine or made you blush. I’m going to recapture that feeling you had at your first kiss when just kissing was enough and you could do it forever. I’m going to remember that there is so much to be discovered between kissing and sleeping together. I am going to learn to enjoy the time spent not having sex so that I end up enjoying it even more when it happens. Mainly, I’m going to stop worrying about when I should sleep with someone and look at sex with someone new in a completely different light.

I still feel that the right time is a completely subjective and individual decision. It’s only too soon  if you don’t feel ready. Anyone who tells that there are guidelines to follow or deadlines to hit are just giving you advice because they don’t want to see you hurt. Remember that it is only advice, which is defined as an opinion or recommendation offered. No one can make rules for you to follow except you. Make decisions that make you happy and don’t beat yourself up too much when you make ones that don’t. We often don’t know what we want until we’ve experienced the opposite.

The Out of Towner

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Everyone has someone that they think about from time to time or play out scenarios in their heads – you know, the ‘what ifs’. If we’ve lost contact with that person, we wonder what their life is like, if they’re happy and we can’t help but ponder if our lives would be different if they were still in the picture. Well the thing is, everyone has someone like this so that means that there is a very good chance that we are that person for someone else.  Sometimes, we know that there is someone out there carrying a torch for us, or keeping a special place for us in their memory. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they would drop everything to be with us if we asked but there is a certain comfort in knowing that you are wanted, especially when someone else has just made you feel tossed aside and uncared for.

Years ago, I was that person for a guy I knew in college. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Alan Shore. I met him my sophomore year in college, he had come to town to visit mutual friends. He told a friend after the fact, that when he saw me for the first time, it was like a cheesy teenage movie – time stopped and everything stood still except for me walking into the room. My friend probably should have kept that to herself, I know for a fact she regretted telling me because for months after that I would walk into a room and either move in slow motion or ask her if I had just stopped her time.

He was visiting for a week and we spent a lot of time together. I was dating my ex-boyfriend and although we weren’t exclusive at the time, I didn’t expect anything to develop between us. Most of the time we were together in a larger group with friends but one night we spent some one on one time with each other and we ended up kissing (well, maybe a teensy bit more than kissing). I had such mixed feelings about what had happened, Alan’s interest in me made me drawn to him but I couldn’t help feeling like I was betraying someone. I kept my distance for a few days after that, seeing him only once at a friend’s house and made sure to stay away from him whenever possible.

Later that week, my roommate Jess and I were throwing a party and  Alan Shore was invited. I was so confused as to what I wanted, what I felt and what I would be okay with doing. Finally, I stopped over thinking and started having a good time. Everyone was having fun, we were all drinking, playing games, laughing and just having a great time. Alan Shore and I ended up going into the bedroom and were making on my roommate’s bed (yes, my roommate’s bed and no I don’t know why and yes, she’s going to read this and remember how mad that made her!) when all of a sudden. . .  I didn’t feel so good . . . I pushed him off of me, ran into the bathroom and puked. I actually hadn’t had that much to drink that night so I think the fact that I had been drinking alcohol was just a coincidence but never the less, I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom while everyone else enjoyed themselves. Jess and her sisters who were visiting took turns coming in and sitting with me, A. Shore kept volunteering to take a turn but I let them know that I did not want him coming in to watch me toss my cookies.

Finally I had had enough. I asked for everyone to be sent home.  Jess went out and explained that I wasn’t feeling any better and unfortunately had asked that they wrap it up and call it a night. Alan came up to her and asked if I  meant everyone, he said that he wanted to stay over even if that meant sleeping on the couch so that he could say goodbye to me in the morning as he had an early flight home. Jess knew that there was no way that I would agree to that so she told him that yes, I had meant everyone. She decided to try and make him feel better and said that I had told her to give something to him from me and she kissed him.

So he went home with a proxy kiss from my roommate (which was completely her idea by the way, I tend to do my kissing myself).  My life went back to normal, or as normal as my life seems to get but that was not the last I would hear from Alan Shore.

#letstalkabout(online)datesbaby

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ImageSingle ladies! I bet we can agree that at some point we have all considered joining/ snuck on to take a peek of/ explained to friends why we don’t want to sign up for/ or had to come up with a good reason to give a guy about why we are on: an ONLINE DATING SITE.

Yuck, right? I don’t mean yuck because of utilizing online dating, I mean yuck because of the thought process, the justification, the nerves, and the concern of stigma. YUCK

So, as for me, I had always been unsure about the whole online dating thing. I mean it seemed like a great idea but I wasn’t sure it was for me. I really just wanted to meet someone in person and hit it off, not feel like I was looking through a male order catalog (get it?!). However, I was also sick of meeting guys at bars and having them try to take me home or give them my number only to get a 12:30 AM text that says “wat r u up to?” P.S. Totally off topic but I hate spelling errors and lazy spelling, if this is the only effort you are going to try and put in to get me to jump in the sack with you then at least take the time to fully write out your text. So I took a break from meeting guys.

I was at my GYN’s office last year and was sitting in the room with him while he was reviewing the routine questions that his nurse had asked me and he noticed one and said “Oh she made a mistake on this answer, she wrote that you are not sexually active”. I explained that that was correct and he looked at me quizzically and asked “Is there some sort of problem? Are you having pain or discomfort with intercourse?” I don’t know that a question has ever caught me so off guard! I stammered that there was no pain, I just didn’t have anyone that I was . . . doing that with . . . right now. It had never occurred to me that not having sex would be such a controversial thing! Without even knowing it, my break had turned into a major dry spell.

Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t take my GYN’s shock as a ‘use it or lose it’ warning, if anything I decided to be flattered that my male lady-doctor would think the only plausible reason I wasn’t having sex was because something wasn’t working properly but it did get me thinking. I had been asked  frequently by friends if I had ever considered online dating in the past and had always changed the subject quickly but late last winter I found myself actually thinking about it. I talked about it with one of my closest friends and asked if she thought I should do it given I wasn’t NOT looking for a relationship but I wasn’t sure I was looking for one either. Her point of view was that the fact that I had no expectations actually made it a perfect time to test it out. She had a point, I was really happy with the way my life was and nothing felt missing so why not sign up and worst case scenario get some dating experience or best case scenario really hit it off with someone.

I was a little timid about the idea at first, I worried about not being able to describe myself at all in my profile and got nervous about anyone I know in real life seeing me on these sites but decided to bite the bullet and try it out. I actually waited until visiting my friend that I discussed it with and she helped build my profile and choose pictures to put up, I wanted the photos to be flattering but it was also really important to me that they accurately showed what I look like because I didn’t want to meet someone and have them feel like in person I didn’t live up to my pictures. Let me tell you, the insecurities wear off right away because as a girl the first few days of being on an online dating site are a giant ego boost. My email notifications kept going off telling me that so an so wanted to meet me or blah blah blah had sent me a message (eventually you learn to turn the email notifications off and use the app or get rid of notifications all together).

It’s now about six months later and I go through spurts of having my profile on these sites then taking it down. It really depends on how I’m feeling about dating or even online dating at that moment, sometimes I’m all in, sometimes I don’t feel like I have the time or I feel like I have too much going on to want to meet new people and other times I’m not sure and decide that I will leave my profile up but only make an effort to interact with a guy if I really find him interesting.

I don’t know what the rest of you lovely ladies have for rules in regards to online dating, I don’t think I have strict rules for myself but I definitely have more insight than when I started. For instance, if I received a message from someone that had no picture on their profile I used to worry that asking for one would seem shallow but my stance on this has changed. The internet has done away with ‘blind dates’; there are no more “you’ll recognize me by the flower in my hair” bullshit, I’ll recognize you by how you look because I’ve seen your photo. Recently I had someone message who didn’t have a photo up and after he called me beautiful not once but twice, and told me that he liked my smile I finally sent him a message that said “I feel a little bit at a disadvantage. Here you are telling me that you like my smile and I feel like I’m talking to the man without a face” (yes I know that if they’ve actually seen the movie, Man Without A Face, they probably don’t like the reference but I use it anyways), “I could walk right by you tomorrow and not even know it”. I figure this is a nicety for “send me your picture now”. Also, if a guy asks me for my phone number and I feel it’s too soon, I say so. There is no reason for a complete stranger to be walking around with my telephone number unless I feel that I have gotten to know enough about them and would really like to be hearing from them again. On the first day I joined a dating site, someone sent me a message and asked if I wanted to get a drink, I thought to myself that it was great that this guy realized that this is a DATING site not a TALKING site and said yes right away. 50 First Dates and Counting no longer thinks that it’s awesome to be asked out in the first correspondence. I want a guy to get to know more about me and decide based on that if they want to take me out, just like I want to find out more about them and see if it seems like we may click – I have gone out with a few people who asked right away or at least the first day that they wrote to me and have never been satisfied with the outcome. I also only go on a date with guys I met online on a week night – as far as I’m concerned weekends are reserved for people that I KNOW I want to spend time with, that way if I don’t enjoy myself I have an excuse to go home early and wasting a Tuesday night is so much better than not having a good time on a Saturday night. Most importantly, I always meet in a public place and let someone know where I am going (sorry to sound like I just morphed into your mom but . . . ) and I don’t get into the guy’s car on a first date – I’m talking from experience on that one, I did and he was a weiiiirdo, I mean I’m still in one piece but will never repeat that mistake again. Not worth it, Ladies, and don’t ever meet someone at their house for the first time unless Nev from Catfish is with you (better yet, don’t get yourself into a situation where you need Nev’s services)!

I would say that in the past six months of online dating: I’ve had great conversations, flirtations, fun dates, offers for sex, requests to join a couple for a threesome (I really shouldn’t say request(s), it was one request), an almost relationship, a couple of disappointments, a one night stand, a really really really terrible date, and over all good learning experiences. I used to think that once I was ready for a relationship I would automatically find one but I realized since then that if I just jumped into a serious relationship how would I get the opportunity to date and figure out what I’m actually looking for.

All in all, I would say that I have learned that there are definitely plenty of fish in the sea (sorry, couldn’t help it) and I have my line baited but am not always watching the pole.

Image credit: iphone/my online dating account/douchebag from england>

*username and face masked to protect the privacy of said douchebag

So here’s my number, call me maybe . . . oops, not you

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Just about two years ago, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. The plan for the night was bar hopping and there were about six or seven of us, all girls and all ready for a night out. I had been single for about eight months or so and had just had my first real fling after ending a seven year relationship. But it was September, summer had ended and it seemed as if my tryst was coming to an end too.

I had enjoyed myself that summer, especially with the help of my summertime pal, but was also ready to meet new people and was feeling confident. In short, I was (man I wish there was a better term for this) single and ready to mingle.

We started out at a crowded bar where there was a band but not really what we were looking for in general. We were at a table and pretty much stayed there, having a good time chatting but keeping to ourselves. At one point two guys came over and invited us to a party their friend was throwing – one of the guys was cute but we didn’t see ourselves leaving and going to a stranger’s house.

As the night went on and the drinks were flowing, we headed out to another bar. This one was more our speed, it had a band that was more fun, a younger crowd and more room to move around and meet other people. Well apparently I may have spread out toooooo much because there I was hanging out, having a great time and the next thing I know my hair is caught in the trombone player’s trombone!! 

This is not a joke or some sort of euphemism (and yes I know what a rusty trombone is, I learned about it from Betty White’s show Off Their Rockers, not what I’m referring to). My hair was COMPLETELY wrapped around the slide on the trombone and the worst part is, the trombone player said the only way to separate us was for him to keep playing so that my hair would be released. Not sure I believed him, but there I was attached to the trombone as they finished the song. Only one of my friends seemed to notice and I thought I was in the clear until the tromboner (sorry! couldn’t help it) took the mic, announced what happened and asked everyone to give me a round of applause.

Don’t worry, even this did not stop me from flirting. The guys from the previous bar were there as well. And after they stopped laughing at me, we started talking. I thought I was just a tiny bit buzzed but still charming – was that really how I came off? Probably not. One of them was a tall red headed guy named Sebastian and I ever so obnoxiously made a comment associating him with The Little Mermaid (because I’m really who should be making fun of red heads, right?).  Anyways, I immediately turned my attention away from him and began to focus on his friend who I was very attracted to and we began to flirt. We talked for a while, then as it became closing time and everyone was exiting the bar, we kissed and I gave him my number and asked him to call me. I said goodbye to him and left. I don’t think I gave a second thought to Sebastian after my initial comment, it was like he wasn’t even in the room.

I hoped my midnight make out buddy would call but wasn’t going to wait by the phone.  Just about a week later, I got a text from a number I didn’t know saying that they were following through and getting in touch with me just like I requested when we met last weekend. I got excited, how often do you meet a guy in a bar, kiss, and actually hear from them afterwards. I started texting back but something just didn’t seem right so I asked what his name was. “Sebastian, you told me to keep in touch”. UH OH! Sebastian thought I was giving him my number too and that I had hoped to hear from him . . . Not what I had expected.

I exchanged pleasantries with Sebastian, never heard from his friend the kissing bandit and learned two very valuable lessons: WATCH OUT FOR TROMBONES AND ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN GIVING YOUR PHONE NUMBER OUT.

A Little About Me . . .

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So this is me, errr, sort of . . .

Hey everybody. 50 First Dates and Counting here (everyone needs a pen name, right?) Anyways, I am your typical 29 year old girl (or am I a woman? I can never decide, maybe I’m a bit of both), I have a steady job, wonderful friends and live what I believe to be a pretty great, fun filled life. I am a (fairly) responsible person with a good head on my shoulders but still definitely have a bit of an adventurous side. Oh yeah, I’m also SINGLE.

As far as my love life, I seem to have done things backwards. I got into a relationship at 19 that was off and on for a while but actually became a very long term relationship. I was with my ex until at 26, I realized I just wasn’t in love anymore. So, we broke up and I moved out on my own for the first time ever really. I spent months getting used to the idea of being single and learning to be completely independent and to be honest I don’t think I thought about the opposite sex much if at all during that time. The only person I was really interested in getting to know at that point was myself. Well, as great and important as that time was; we all know that a period like that can only last so long. So I spent that winter and spring becoming more self aware but the following summer and the winter after that I started to become more aware of men. I wanted to go out and have fun constantly, it was as if I was trying to make up for the time I had lost when I was in my younger 20s. I wanted to meet guys and I wanted to flirt. It was fun. I think everyone needs a period of time where they get to be carefree and I was attracting guys’ attention, they just happened to be the kind of guys who wanted to pay attention to me at 1:00 AM. . .

Now don’t get me wrong, I personally don’t think a fling here and there is a bad thing as long as that is what you are looking for. And for a while it was what I was looking for: nothing serious, no commitments, just a good time. Eventually, I decided that I didn’t want flings or one night stands. I took some time to figure out what it was that I did want and while I still have no clear cut answer as to what I’m really looking for I decided I wanted to date.

Soooo here I am at 29 DATING! Let me tell you, if you haven’t tried it for yourself, dating is absolutely an experience. I have had great dates, I’ve had awful dates, I’ve had dates where everything was enjoyable except the person I was with but overall I have stories.

I have had times where I felt like my life was a sitcom and there was no need for a laugh track because the audience must be roaring and near tears laughing at me. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Life is a series of anecdotes and we need to share them! Some of my favorite times have been sitting around with friends, glasses of wine in hand, sharing our experiences and laughing at ourselves and each other.

So get ready ladies. Pour yourself a glass of wine, kick off your heels (by the way you are so much cooler than me if you are actually wearing heels – I plan to wear them all the time when I become a grown up) and get ready to talk to about kissing frogs (because, like I said before yes we are friends now).

Image credit: <a href=’http://www.123rf.com/photo_12498009_pretty-redhead.html’>klauts / 123RF Stock Photo</a>