What Are We Dating For? (Because He Thinks He’s A Freak In The Sheets When They’re All Just A Freak With The Tweets) AKA #NoThanksPerv

photo-8 OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, eHarmony, Match.com: sites filled with people who are searching for love, romancefriendship, sex, sex? A connection. The type of connection DEFINITELY may vary but everyone there has the same basic purpose, they are searching for something that they can only be found in another person.

Now, just because everyone on these sites is looking for something and has a need (or want) that only another person can provide doesn’t mean that it’s the same thing you’re looking for or that realizing that they’re not will be any easier. But, sometimes it is. ~Cue the douchebag message~. That’s right ladies, Mr. Thinks He’s a Freak in the Sheets when He’s Really Just a Freak with the Tweets has his sights set on you and thinks he is filling your inbox with proof that he is going to rock your world (or schedule a blow job sesh or even get you to agree to give him a golden shower ~ but don’t worry, he’s pretty positive that it will be as magical for you as it already is for him just by thinking about it). He’ll be quicker to compliment you on your anatomy than your profile or even your eyes or smile. He may throw in a little small talk before he offers you a massage (because rando massage offers are innocuous and not at all creepy, right?) but more than likely he will just cut to the chase and ask you some incredibly personal question about what you will and won’t agree to in sexual situations or describe his manhood to you. In detail. But don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, sexy, because he copied and pasted the message to 17 other girls in the past half hour. Mr. Freak is hoping that there is power in numbers and that statistics will be on his side while he message bombs you and every other female within a 50 mile radius.
Believe me, I know all about it. Like the rest of you out there dabbling in online dating, I have received my share. I’ve been offered countless massages from guys in the very first encounter, been told penis size, asked if I give good head, been invited into threesomes and those are just the run of the mill -don’t even surprise me anymore- messages.  Then there’s the cut to the chase “Submissive?” without even a hello prior to it, the twenty-one year old that told me he was rich and would like to use me sexually in exchange for gifts and nice dinners, the foot fetish-er (yeah, I know, not a real word) who would kill to lick my feet; Sorry pal, this isn’t Sex and the City and I’m not Charlotte about to get a new pair of shoes out of the bargain. And of course, my favorite (and probably yours too because it seems to be a common theme): the guy that just jerked off to my pictures and wants to make sure I know about it, because that right there is true flattery. And two of those examples are just from this past week. Amiright Ladies?

So what I want to know some days, when single girls using dating sites seem to be fodder for perverts and creeps, is what are we dating for? I  know I’m not the first girl to find myself needing an OkCupid-PlentyofFish-Tinder hiatus from time to time especially after being inundated with rude, lewd and downright gross messages but something always makes me sign back in. I guess I end up deciding that I can laugh and block my way through all the messages from all the Mr. Freaks out there and keep myself open to the possibility that Mr. Right (or Mr. Fun or Mr. Charming or even Mr. Right Place Right Time) might be around the corner. I don’t know about you but I think I’m going to just keep saying #NoThanksPerv to all the sleazebuckets out there and continue to search for something more, for a connection.

 

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Living (sorta) young (sometimes) wild and free

645e1c266dc4b6583265d7c7754dc37aSeven years: a blink of an eye or an eternity? I think that the answer depends on what seven years is the sum of. In regards to the seven years I am thinking of, the answer is both. What seven year span am I talking about? My last relationship.

Ending a seven year relationship when you are twenty six years old is pretty surreal. At that time, I had been a part of a couple for almost my entire adult life. I had thought about ending things between us a few times in the last two or three years that we were together but had always changed my mind. When I was finally ready to leave, I realized that in the back of my head that whole time (now very much making it’s way into the forefront) was a fear or being single. The anxiety of being on my own made me drag out the breakup and lie not only to him but to myself as well, about what it was I was feeling. I was scared that, even though my life with him wasn’t what I wanted, my life without him would be even worse.

I moved out on my own and wasn’t sure what to expect.  This was my first time living by myself, I imagined my life being lonely, boring and sad. And was I? Yeah of course I was at times, who wouldn’t be after living with other people for twenty six years? But that was only at first.  I started spending more time with friends, friends who I probably should have been making more time for all along. This also happened to coincide with me taking on more responsibilities and longer hours at work. Having a full schedule that kept me occupied was such a big help. Finally (and I really do believe that this is a progression and that this final step sneaks up on you), I started being more comfortable being alone and having chunks of time to myself. All of a sudden, I realized that I was having a blast leading a really fun and happy, although sometimes hectic, life as a single woman.

I became so busy that I started to worry that I was just too busy to date. I still do feel that way sometimes. A common perception of the single girl who starts to date is that she trades in countless nights spent on her couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt for evenings in an LBD (haha, let’s discuss this misconception ~ when was the last time you put on a LITTLE BLACK DRESS to go on a first date? How about BT,B,JAB ~BLACK TANK, BLAZER, JEANS AND BOOTS) enjoying a night of exotic cocktails and dancing. I for one, have so few evenings home on the couch that I have to be pretty interested in a guy to want to trade too many of these nights in in order to spend time with him.  I’ve stopped putting too much pressure on myself to be open minded and realized that if something feels like a deal breaker then maybe it is for me, and I don’t necessarily need to talk myself out of feeling that way. For example (and I feel like I’m going to catch flack for saying this but for the sake of honesty I’m going to write it anyways) I had been planning on going on a date with a new guy and am now on the fence. Why? Well, one thing that I can’t help but feel like is a major strike against him is that he is a vegan. I love cooking for, and with, someone I’m dating; the idea of preparing two dinners for one just doesn’t appeal to me. Silly as it may seem, I’m also a huge fan of going out to breakfast (no joke, widely known fact about me) and he already told me he doesn’t enjoy that as his menu options are limited. Now, don’t get me wrong, any dietary decisions you make are your choice and you shouldn’t be judged for them and this guy in particular has chosen this due to inhumane animal killing practices. That being said, I am a meat eater through and through and he has made a few comments already alluding that he would be actively trying to get me to change my ways and I have gotten the sense that there is a bit of judgement on his part towards me that I’m pretty satisfied with my own eating habits and don’t plan on changing. (I had texted a good friend and asked if I was going to sound like a simpleton for admitting that I didn’t see myself dating a vegan and she responded “No. You can explain thats it’s really just that if you are going to be serious about giving something the chance to grow you have to be able to see yourself long term being comparable lifestyle-wise and as a girl who loves her red meat still mooing, you can’t see yourself compromising for quinoa and bean curd”. Well said, byline pending. . . Since I’m opting to be anonymous myself, I won’t be putting her name to the quote unless she decides that’s what she wants but don’t be surprised if this is revised to add a footnote.

The other thing I find myself wanting to know from prospective dates is what they miss most about being in a relationship. I ask this for a few reasons; one being that they may have a completely different idea of what being in a relationship is like than I do. If they are looking for someone to spend every waking moment with, I’m not the girl for them. The last guy I dated used to tease me about my ‘one night a week’ dating – now that was an exaggeration, I have no fixed number of times set aside to spend with someone and we probably saw each other about three times a week or so but once we decided to be exclusive he started trying to make sure that we spent time together every day and honestly, that was a bit too much for me. The other reason I ask is because truthfully, I don’t know that there is a whole lot about being in a relationship that I miss. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t plenty that I enjoyed but I don’t feel like my life is missing anything.

I think that writing this post, I’m making myself out to sound like the iron maiden and I definitely don’t mean to.  I’m not set on a life alone, it’s just that I don’t mind it either. I don’t have a ton of free time and therefore do become a bit protective of it. I’ve decided not to feel ashamed about considering whether or not I’m interested enough in a guy to choose going out with him over a fun night out with friends, or whether I’m going to regret shuffling my work schedule around and going into work two hours early the next day in order to see him that night, or maybe it has been a really long time since I lounged on my couch, glass of wine in hand, watching a chick flick!

So a seven year relationship that felt like an eternity then and an existence that I was scared to break out of, now does feel like the blink of an eye. My life now, the single life that I was terrified of, makes me content and is comfortable and happy. To think that I went from being afraid of being alone to being concerned about having to incorporate someone else into my life seems like such irony. I’ve decided that there is nothing wrong with leading a busy life and when the right person comes along I will make time for them because they will be worth it. Until then, there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish with my free time living sorta young, sometimes wild and free.