Cupid Doesn’t Lie (Does He)? AKA Don’t Fall For the BS

As you all know by now, I love discussion. I spend so much of my time talking with friends and coworkers or writing about love, dating, being single, relationships: the stuff of life! I want to lead a fun and exciting life, a much talked about life (even if I’m the one talking about it).

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine who is married. She was telling me that when she met her husband, she started making deals in her head with herself. She was going to give up a few of her vices, etc, etc, and she was going to start wearing matching underwear. She thought that she was bargaining with the universe in order to keep him, but really she was just trying to become her best self because she felt that he was worth making the effort for. Now I totally understand wanting to put in the effort with matching underwear. In my head matching underwear worn not just on special occasions is an endeavor of a well put together, sophisticated, confident woman and I keep telling myself that I will start coordinating my intimate apparel asap but that is still pending . . .  As far as my friend was concerned, these were just guidelines  that she was giving herself, not something that she was using as a selling point or conditions that her future husband (unknown to either of them) was putting in place for them to be together. We are all works in progress, we all have areas that need developing and there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself whether it be just for you or because you meet someone that makes you want to strive to do better. That’s called growth. But what about when it’s not a bargain with yourself but with someone else even when they don’t know they’re making a deal? What if change is your selling point? What happens when it’s not growth, just bullshit?

I work with a woman, let’s call her Receptionist Rita (yeah I know, awful nickname), who’s in her 50s.  She has been dating a guy for about a year now and they seem to be at an impasse and she’s just not sure that they’re going to make it. Her man-friend can’t figure out why the relationship hasn’t progressed more while she feels that they need to re-evaluate because she doesn’t think that where they are as individuals or as a couple is what she had expected. One year ago Rita met a male smoker who had just been diagnosed with diabetes (sorry I work with almost all women older than me – middle aged problems). Smoker Sam told her that he was in the process of quitting and that he had no intention of being on diabetes meds for long ~ he was going to start eating healthy, exercising and just working on taking better care of himself in general. Receptionist Rita was smitten and they got serious fast. Fast forward one year: Sam still smokes and his blood sugar never quite made it’s way down anywhere near the normal range. Sam’s cash flow is pretty strapped due to the cost of cigarettes and insulin and he finds spending money on recreational activities and going out for meals to be wasteful. Rita has conquered almost all of her debt and enjoys being able to spend her discretionary income on life’s pleasures and is frustrated listening to a partner complain about the lack of his money to blow when he put himself in this position and could get out of it if he put in the effort. Sam is upset that Rita doesn’t want to find a place together (because she doesn’t want to live with a smoker) when she knew that he smoked when he met her. Rita feels like Sam sold her on something that he didn’t live up to. She fell for the bullshit! She didn’t fall for Sam, she fell for who Sam told her he was going to become and then he never turned into that person.

We’ve all been there (I think), we’ve all heard someone tell us what we wanted to hear and believed it over what was real. Women, especially, constantly debate whether or not it is possible to change someone (men). We often wonder if the charming slacker, irresponsible or untrustworthy guy is going to step up to the plate if we place our faith in them. Ladies, we do it too, we tweak ourselves to try and fit what we think our love interest is looking for. My married friend had an ounce of BS in her story: her husband is Jewish so she was going to give up bacon and pretend not to even like it. I’m guilty of it as well, the last guy I dated told me that cigarette smoking was a turn off so I omitted that from time to time I will have a cigarette while out drinking. I took him out to meet my friends and when they went out to smoke, I acted like I had no interest. If he happened to go to the bathroom while they were outside I would peek out the door jealously at what I felt I was missing out on.

I’ve been on the other side of it as well. I have definitely been a victim (probably a self-imposed victim to be honest) of the bullshit. My ex whom I dated for seven years didn’t want to get married or have kids. I spent a long time thinking about whether I would be ok forgoing all of that to be with him but I realized that wasn’t something I was willing to completely discount from my life. I once mentioned our relationship having a bit of an expiration date on it due to my wanting the option of having a family. He got upset with me and the idea that I could just casually mention that I would be leaving him eventually (in my defense, ummm not causally – we had been discussing it for YEARS!!!). I pointed out that he didn’t have much ground to stand on as he had made a decision about all of this long before he ever met me and I didn’t factor into it at all, nothing about his plans for life and the future had evolved due to being with me. He told me that he would think it over and see if he was willing to consider us having a family. I really thought that I had made major headway and that things were going to change but nothing became different. I don’t think he actually ever put the thought he said he would into it. It was just a selling point to get me to stay.

I think that the right person for you won’t need to sell you on something that isn’t real. They won’t need to change. You won’t need to either. If you’re more interested in being with who you think they could become, walk away. Find someone who you want to be with as is, someone that you would be perfectly happy to have in your life just the way they are because you think they are as good as it gets. Then if you find that the two of you grow and improve while together: that’s wonderful but not absolutely necessary. Growth is great, growth is natural, growth is important. But just remember. Don’t fall for the bullshit.


Hey No Tipper ~Spend a little time with me?

I once mentioned that I have a few rules for myself when it comes to online dating (if you don’t remember, check out #letstalkaboutonlinedatesbaby). One of those rules is to not immediately agree to go out with someone, I prefer to talk with them a bit and get to know them first. The other is to use week nights as first date nights and leave the weekends for times when I’m guaranteed to have fun. Both of these rules were established in part because of a date I went on with The No Tipper.

I had been off of the dating website that I use for a few months. I had taken my profile down because I was dating someone and we had agreed that we didn’t want to see other people so I had inactivated my account. When things didn’t work out between us, I was heading into the summer and knew that I would be far too busy between work and spending my time with friends to date (or at least date anyone online) so I kept my profile down. As the summer was winding down I decided that there wouldn’t be any harm in putting it back up – I could take a peek at what was out there and see whether or not I wanted to pursue anything with anyone on there.

As soon as I was back on the site, I got a message from a guy in my area who seemed cute and fun. Chatting with him was easy and entertaining so when he asked me to get a drink with him on a Friday night, I was very tempted to but had to turn him down because I already had plans. He asked if there was anyway we could get together the next day instead. Now usually as you know, I like to wait before meeting someone but I think I was feeling a bit of the rush that online dating can provide and I thought ‘why not’. We made tentative plans for the next day and I went out with a friend that night with a little extra self-confident air about me.

The next day he told me that he had to work but would be in touch later on so we could figure things out. One thing I’m not a fan of — I’m a planner — I don’t need my whole life mapped out or need to pull up a spreadsheet of my weekend scheduled down to the last nanosecond and I definitely love spontaneous moments and surprises but when it comes to a first date, as casual as it may be, I want a time set so I’m able to have a handle on my day. I spent part of the day at the beach with the same friend that I had gone out with the night before. She was wanting to grab drinks afterwards but I wasn’t sure if I was able to as I didn’t know what my plans were with my Yet To Be Nicknamed Saturday night date. Late that afternoon he got in touch with me asking if we could meet around 9pm for drinks and told me to pick the place. Not a fan of picking the place – might make me picky (get it I’m picky but not the picker) but I also think if you ask someone out, you are responsible for the where and the what. I don’t like to be asked out then told I’m responsible for planning the date, if I had wanted to do that I would’ve planned something and invited you to it. So I thought about it and decided that he seemed to want to go somewhere on my side of town so I would pick a place that I knew was sure to be a good time but definitely not my local bar (I decided that it had to be close enough to me to make getting there no big deal but couldn’t be somewhere I go all the time because if I wasn’t interested, I didn’t want to introduce him to a place where I might run into him every weekend).

Since we weren’t meeting until 9pm, I decided that I had time to grab a drink with my friend first. So we went to the local bar that I was not bringing him to and had a drink, I still had time to kill so we ended up having two. BIG MISTAKE. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hammered and didn’t make a fool out of myself but I did find that I had to make an effort to drink my drinks extra slow once I was on my date. Pre-date drinking is not something I will do again. I know a lot of people who have a two drink maximum rule while out on dates and I have to say it’s not a bad idea. That being said, my drinks did seem to make me warm up to my date. He wasn’t as cute as his pictures had been but definitely wasn’t bad looking. I don’t know how well we would’ve gotten along if it hadn’t been for my pre-date pick me ups but I was having a nice time talking with him and probably would have gone out with him a second time if things had played out differently at the end of the night.

We had been chatting at the bar and having a good time until my yet to be nicknamed pal got up to go to the bathroom and when he stood up, he squeezed my thigh. Now, I’m not a prude and I wasn’t offended but it did seem a little forward and I wasn’t looking for anymore leg rubbing that evening so I made sure to move my stool a little further away before he got back. We talked for a while longer and I went to use the bathroom and when I came back, he was signing his credit card receipt. Which was fine, except he hadn’t given me any indication that the date was over until then. He told me that it was his best friend’s birthday and that he had to leave to put in an appearance there so he was going to have to run and he told me not to worry, he took care of the tab. I didn’t mean to but I looked down at the receipt and saw a line thru the tip section. He told me he had had a good time and wanted to do it again soon, then he took off.

I have worked at far too many restaurants to walk out without tipping. Even if I hadn’t, it still wouldn’t be anything I would ever be okay with doing. I didn’t have any cash on me so I had to explain to the bartender that I had been on a blind date, apparently with someone who doesn’t believe in letting the other person know that you’re going to need to get going and also doesn’t believe in tipping (hence the nickname). I asked her to run my debit card for a dollar so that I could leave a tip, commiserated with her a bit on how awful first dates can be and made my way back to my local bar to have a drink and share my story with friends.

A little bit later on, right around midnight, I got a text from No Tipper asking me if I wanted to meet up at his place. I declined, I was not looking for a late night rendezvous. I couldn’t help but feel like the whole thing just seemed weird. The next day I was telling a friend about my night and as we were talking it over, I realized that No Tipper was trying to play headgames with me but just wasn’t as good at them as he thought he was. When I didn’t respond to the thigh rub he had tried at the bar, he decided to leave abruptly so that I would wonder what had gone wrong and if I had done something – since there was no way he would’ve left that quickly unless he wasn’t interested. So when he texted me afterwards, I would jump at the chance to see him again and head right over to his house (in the middle of the night . . . ).

Sorry No Tipper, wrong girl. Better luck next time. So my Saturday nights are still reserved for people that I know I will enjoy myself with and my get to know them more philosophy still seems like the way to go. No Tipper got in touch with me a few more times to see if I wanted to get together but I prefer guys who pay gratuity and don’t short change their bartenders . . . or their dates.

Why we don’t seem to know that no means no AKA how rom-coms ruined dating

photo-3How many times have you sat around watching a romantic comedy and thought why can’t life be like that? The scenario ~ You: beautiful but don’t know it, much more quick witted than is humanly possible with a silver tongue and amazing street smarts but incredibly jaded; Him: way too self assured, amazingly good looking, a secret heart of gold and a talent like poetry, painting or song writing. By now I bet you know the story line, Guy XYZ meets you (you being me and all the women reading this), he’s infatuated and you are too but the inherent distrust of men that has been ingrained in you for years makes you apprehensive and unwilling to succumb to his charm. After a lot of sarcastic banter he gets you to agree to let him take you out. You start spending time together and get glimpses of the sweet sensitive side that he never shows to anyone else but of course he does something thoughtless and blows it and you tell him that you never want to see him again. He spends weeks to months (or depending on the movie, maybe years) calling you, sending you flowers, getting your friends to understand his point of view, and making sure that you know that he can face any amount of rejection until he wins you back. Eventually, he’s about to give up and stops trying to woo you when you’re in the center of town running mindless errands and see a sign of something sweet he’s done and you realize you can’t live without him but what if you’re too late. You rush to find him, run into his arms and kiss. Roll the credits.

You’re going to read this and think that screenwriting isn’t in my future and you’re right but at some you watched that very movie and wished for a relationship and a guy just like that. At one point we all have. What’s wrong with that? Well, just about everything. Movies, tv shows and stories like that teach us that if a guy really likes you, you should be able to turn him down to see how far he’s willing to go to win you over. You should epitomize ‘hard to get’. Don’t let him know you’re interested, make him work to catch your attention, give off no tell tale signs that it’s working; in short make sure he has a chase. These fictional relationships lead us down all the wrong paths when trying to figure out what dating should really be like.

I was sitting around a few years ago with a group of friends talking and two of my friends who are in a relationship started telling the story about how they started dating. They met at a party and talked for a while and he asked for her number which she gave him. He happened to be in the midst of job interviews at the time so was making a lot of phone calls and was really exhibiting the go get ’em attitude. He called her and left her a message saying that he enjoyed meeting her the other night and would like to see her again soon and was so caught up in the direct, businesslike approach that he had had to take on that he ended the call by saying if he didn’t hear from her he would try her back within a few days. We all had a good laugh at the idea that he basically said that if she wasn’t interested and didn’t call him he would just keep calling her. It really was funny because that is so not the kind of guy that my friend is, his girlfriend at the time (now his wife) saved the voicemail for years because it made her laugh when she listened to it. To me, that kind of story seemed completely the norm: the nice, easy going guy who is direct and lets you know that he’s interested but far from pushy or overbearing.

But now, I have found that the norm is not as much of a standard as I thought. Another guy friend of mine was telling me about meeting a girl he was interested in and told me that he asked her out but she turned him down, stating that she was seeing someone. He said that they are facebook friends and he really didn’t see any evidence on her wall that she’s involved so how long do I think he should wait until he asks her again. My response was “you don’t ask again”. He told me that he had been afraid I would say that and argued that he really didn’t think she was in a relationship. I explained that that didn’t matter. She said no, not try again later. I also told him that her reasons are irrelevant because at the end of the day she doesn’t owe him any explanation. My pal seemed very displeased with what I had had to say while I really couldn’t figure out why what I was saying was such a hard concept to grasp.

As I have dated more myself now, I have also run into a few guys who don’t seem to understand that I’m telling them no or at least that I actually mean it. This Spring, a guy reached out to me on the online dating site I was using and asked me out for a drink. I didn’t know him well enough to want to say yes and happened to be working late that evening so told him that I couldn’t because I was going to be spending the night at my office. He told me that he would be fine meeting up for last call.  That was not really an offer that I was interested in so I passed. He got ahold of me again a few days later and struck up a conversation and asked what I was looking for. I gave him my standard answer of not having a set expectation but if something serious developing isn’t even an option for someone then they aren’t right for me and he told me that he was looking for someone to have fun with in and out of bed but mostly in bed so we agreed that we were not looking for the same thing and that was that. Just about five months later he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I reminded him that we had decided that we were not in the same place as far as what we wanted but he told me that he was now ready for a relationship and would like to meet me. I’ll admit I was flattered at first that he had kept me in mind and that there must be something about me that made him think of me for both options. I hung out with him once but as I got to know him more I wasn’t convinced that this was a good fit. He kept opting out of plans to meet in public and instead would suggest things that involved us always being alone such as me coming over and watching a movie with him.  He even went as far as to tell me once that if anything physical were to happen between us I shouldn’t worry, because it wouldn’t be just a one time thing. With him, every time we attempted to make plans, it always involved being within very close proximity to his bed. I told him that while he may be looking for more than he was before, it was still not what I was looking for. He wanted us to spend time together while he figured out if a relationship was something he was open to but since to me that sounded like, I want to sleep with you and then will decide if I’m interested being around you with clothes on, I said no. I don’t think I can convey what a long, drawn out process telling him no was (and this wasn’t my ooops I wasn’t direct about this schtick, this was me saying ‘this is not something I’m interested in, this is not a good idea for me’).  I heard from him for weeks while he tried to change my mind; first direct texts getting right to the point trying to let me know that he really felt like we should give this a shot then nonchalant ‘hey, how’ve you been’ texts trying to trap me into a conversation to see if my resolve would weaken. I got to the point where I had said no so many times that I just stopped responding. A few weeks went by and a little over a month ago I received a message from him online that he had gotten a new phone and needed my number, well the lack of communication that I was planning on having with him made me feel it unnecessary to send it so I didn’t. Over the next few days, I got about 5 or 6 more messages in total asking for it then my favorite, the indignant “Ummm Hellloooo” — at that point I went ahead and clicked block sender. Just about two weeks ago I got the message shown above, “Hey! I remade a profile to try one last time w u. I know what I want. Not just messing around. I promise. Plz text me (phone number blacked out for privacy purposes). I’ll leave u alone if u choose not to don’t worry lol” then 15 minutes later, “Hope to hear back”. What is not shown is that there were about five or six more messages reiterating pretty much the same thing until he finally sent a message the end of last week that said “Plz just one text” yeah, because I really think that the best thing to do right now would be to let you have my phone number again. I decided enough was enough and sent him a message to not contact me again. After that I decided to take a break from the online dating sites and took my profile down, which I had already been thinking about doing but this made me think it definitely was time.

I couldn’t believe how much more common it was than I had previously thought to say no and not have it be the only time that I needed to say it. I’m not trying to say that guys are the only ones who can’t take rejection or that the male species as a whole doesn’t seem to understand what no means but it’s disheartening to see and no one should have to put up with it.  Recently I read an article that brought up what I thought was a great point about the message that is sent out about saying and hearing the word no. Why I Never Play Hard To Get by Rachael Kay Albers , talks about society teaching us that no is not a definitive term but an obstacle and romantic comedies being one major vehicle for that theory. I agree completely, we’re teaching girls that the word no is a test, and that romance blossoms when a man overcomes your objections and makes you go back on your decision and if they don’t continue to try after you say no then they didn’t want you enough. We’re teaching boys that no is not a term to respect – stand in her yard with a boombox over your head, pull her into a kiss when she’s screaming that she never wants to see you again, interrupt a wedding that she’s a bridesmaid in to try and get her back (Wedding Crashers), etc.  I’m not saying that a man who ignores a woman telling him no is blameless but I think that we should work harder to not send such muddied messages.

I have to be an honest and tell you that unfortunately I doubt that means I will never watch a rom-com again. I might even sit there hoping that the woman forgives the man and they end up together. But as someone who has said No thanks, I’m not interested and had it interpreted as I said no so that must really mean I don’t know what I want and you should keep trying to convince me, I would love to see a romantic comedy or two dial it down and show a woman being clear about what she wants and a guy who takes no for an answer.

Kiss-taken Identity? Mistaken For A Crazy Girl


Attraction: the electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together; the gravitation force exerted by one body on another. The definition may be scientific but it embodies the magnetism we feel when we see someone that enthralls us (I used a dictionary AND a thesaurus, can’t you tell?). There is nothing like the feeling of suddenly being drawn to someone else. That feeling can be almost intoxicating and sometimes seems to have the same effect on our behavior.
When setting your sights on a certain someone (who sells seashells by the seashore?? What’s with the alliteration?!), it is typical to go out of our way to try to get their attention. A smile, eye contact that lasts longer than normal, batting your eyes (I don’t think anyone actually does that but it fit), laughing loudly, touching the other person; there are probably endless ways. We all do our best to try and catch the eye of the object of our affection. I am guilty of this and doubt I am the only one. If only this were going to be a post about my successful times getting a guy’s attention; fortunately for you, it’s not. I’ve decided instead to write about the time that the attention I ended up getting was a little bit less than positive. . . 
My senior year in college, as the year was winding down and we were getting into the fun activities right before graduation, I found myself interested in someone.  We had been at the same school for the past four years and had a lot of the same friends but had never met before. He had spent the last semester in LA and was back at school only for the week to participate in the festivities and attend graduation. One of our mutual friends decided to introduce us because he knew that LA (not the greatest nickname I know, but we all called him a nickname so I can’t use that and I seem to be coming up empty in the nickname creating dept. tonight) needed a ticket to go on the senior booze cruise and I happened to have an extra. After we talked that night I decided to give him my ticket (no, that’s not a metaphor . . .well, actually it might be) and I realized that I was attracted to him. There was plenty going on that week so I ran into him almost every night, we flirted here and there and I often hoped to get his attention when we were in the same place. It seemed to be working, I noticed him watching me a few times and he even walked by me at a senior event and ruffled my hair.
Later in the week after a party, I was crashing at a house that six of my guy friends lived in because the train had already stopped running that night and it just so happened that LA was spending the night there as well. We spent some time together that evening and ended up, let’s say, getting to know each other better. A few nights later we were both at a party that happened to be at my friend John’s apartment. John had gone home to New Jersey and he wasn’t there for the gathering that his roommates were throwing so my roommate and I snuck into his room to leave him a note. John and I had this running gag that I was in love with him so I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote him a fake love letter. The letter was meant to be creepy and it was ~ “I’m blowing you a kiss that you can’t dodge”, “I was so excited to be in the same room that you sleep in”, “Love forever and ever”. I left the letter on John’s pillow and went out to enjoy the party. After that night, I ran into LA very infrequently but when I did I definitely got the impression that he was actively avoiding me. It bummed me out a little but I didn’t give it that much thought. We all graduated and had one last big party. As the night went on, it became clear that he was trying to stay as far away from me as possible. I decided to pull him aside to see what was going on but when I did, he gave me this talk about only being here for such a short time and not wanting to get my hopes up or make me think that this could be more than it was. Well I wasn’t hurt or upset but I was definitely insulted. I couldn’t believe how conceited he must be to imagine that fooling around with him once was going to make me fall head over heels or make me desperate to be with him.
LA became old news and a few weeks later I was telling the story about sneaking into John’s room and mentioned that I was surprised to not have heard from him after leaving my creepy, funny, over the top love letter. A mutual friend of all three of us told me that LA had stayed at their apartment that night and had slept in John’s room so perhaps he moved the note from John’s pillow and forgot to put it back. And that’s when I realized, that while I had signed my name on the note, I had not addressed it to anyone. . . My roommate was right nearby and heard and whispered to me “Oh my god! LA found the note and thought you left it on his pillow!”. Yup, that’s right. I hooked up with a guy and left a profession of love on his pillow. So yeah, it wouldn’t be that far fetched that he would feel the need to explain that things were not becoming serious between us (and try to let the crazy girl, who fell in love with him after one night, down gently).
At the time, this story felt cringeworthy but life is meant to be memorable which doesn’t mean it’s meant to always go smoothly. So go ahead, make eye contact with the cute guy at bar, smile at him and do things to catch his eye but remember whenever you write a love letter – real or fake, maybe write the name of who it’s to on it.

Break Ups: Fake It Til You Make It? (or pretend to be eaten by a bear?)

bk med

“Nothing Lasts Forever”. “All Good Things Must Come To An End”. “This Too Shall Pass”. “Everything In Life Is Temporary”. We are constantly being told that nothing in life is permanent and are reminded to enjoy and appreciate the great moments when they are here and urged to do our best in times of sadness as they won’t always be here either. The hope is that the amazing times in our lives will fill us with enough joy and happiness to carry with us from then on and the bad times will strengthen us and help us  and we will learn from them. We all know that, especially in relationships, this is very true.  Relationships end all the time; some do last a lifetime and come as close to forever as possible while others are much more fleeting. Unfortunately most of us will one day find ourselves in a situation where, in order to find the kind of the love that will indeed last us a lifetime, we must end things with someone that shouldn’t be in our lives for that long. We all know the old saying about loving someone and setting them free to see if they were ever really ours to begin with, but what about those we set free and don’t want to have come back to us?

The end of filming a movie is signaled by yelling “that’s a wrap”, the film itself ends in credits scrolling through on the screen, a song fades out at the end, a theatrical production ends in applause (we’re not even going into an opera, there’s no need to repeat for the millionth time what they say about that . . .).  What seems to always be uncertain is what the curtain call is supposed to be for a relationship and how do you handle it when you notice the lights fading up signaling that things are over but your partner doesn’t?

The song says that “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and in my opinion they hit the proverbial nail on the head (yeah I know we’re pretty quote/lyric heavy here today but clearly this is a much covered topic). Break ups are so complicated and most often the longer you were with someone and allowed your lives to entangle, the harder they are to UNtangle. I could go on and on writing up all the ways in which things can get messy: financially, emotionally, etc. We have all been through tumultuous love recovery periods in our lives and surely have come out on the other end of a relationship or two with a broken heart. But today let’s talk about when we are the heartbreaker. I won’t pretend to have a ton of experience being the one to end things (being in as long term of a relationship as I was tends to limit that a bit) but have had to do it nonetheless. It’s not something that I enjoy (but then again, who does?) and I’m trying to learn how to do a better job of it.

Personally, I tend to be a people pleaser. If they’re happy, then I’ll eventually be happy too, right? Wrong. Putting yourself first is tough but more and more I’m finding that isn’t something that I’m willing to overlook any longer. That means breaking up with someone when things don’t feel right. Sometimes it even means ‘pre-date breaking up’ (that’s my own little term for ending things with someone before they actually ever begin) and that is something that I am getting a lot of experience in.

I seem to still be trying to find my way a bit in regards to how to call it quits with someone. I have had times where I really felt that I handled things well and other times where it didn’t go as I planned. My favorite way for things to end with someone I don’t see myself being with is for things to kind of just fizzle, which usually means that it was mutual and you can pick up and move on easily without any hurt feelings or hard discussions but that doesn’t seem to happen as often as I would hope. One thing that has always driven me crazy when it has been done to me is the whole ‘just don’t reply’ approach to ending things. That has never sat well with me and so that is something that I just won’t do to someone else. I will always explain that things won’t be going any further between us. That being said, I have had guys who didn’t seem to want to respect my decision and weren’t backing off after being told no and so I have stopped answering them or blocked them from being able to get in touch with me and that I have no qualms about doing that (no means no, remember).  Recently, I went out with someone (a guy that I probably shouldn’t have even agreed to go on a date with to be honest, because I could just tell we weren’t going to hit it off) and I patted myself on the back for being straightforward but kind and explaining that he had done nothing wrong (as a response to him apologizing for ‘blowing it’) but that I just didn’t think there was any chemistry between us and wished him the best of luck. I felt like such an adult, like I had unlocked my ability to break up effectively.

Well . . . that was short lived, just this week I found myself having to tell the Vegan (remember him from Living (sorta) Young, (sometimes) Wild and Free ?) that it was time to cut our losses and sure enough my old bad break up habit crept back in. Now, this habit stems from good intentions but it’s still one that I have to shake. I so don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or offend them, so I end up telling one small truth in order to omit the giant truth behind why I am calling things off. The problem with that is, in leaving out what I consider to be the major reason I don’t want to be with someone, I make them think that there is a chance that they can fix things when it’s just not the case. When I was ready to leave my ex, I desperately didn’t want to tell him I wasn’t in love with him anymore; it wasn’t something I knew how to say to someone. Instead, I used a legitimate truth that I believed to be the trump card: he never wanted to get married and have kids.  It was an issue that we both knew would at some point bring us to a crossroads and I decided to use the ‘we just want different things’ excuse. Big Mistake. He started trying to really think about whether or not that was what he wanted when what I really wanted was to not be with him anymore. Fast forward to trying to let the Vegan down easy, a certain scaredy cat decides to use her hectic schedule and imminent move to claim poor timing as the driving force behind feeling like we shouldn’t make plans to get together. And again, just like before, my trying to be nice backfired. He responded that I just need to relax, he didn’t want me to be stressed and he doesn’t mind holding off because he thinks getting to know me will be worth the wait . . .Oops.

Now I’ve used too many old sayings in this post to stop now, so like they say “Practice Makes Perfect” and it looks like I just need to keep on practicing. Clearly I need to find a better balance between letting someone down easy and being true to myself and honest with them. Not sure that’s it’s the worst problem that a single girl could have.  I’ll just keep having a good time dating, navigating various relationships and figuring out what is temporary and what seems like it could last as close to forever as I can find.

The Giveaway!!!!!


Hey Everybody,

I am doing a giveaway for the month of October. If you have been following me on Facebook , you are already familiar but wanted to post it on here so that everyone has a chance to win!

So the moment has finally come to let all of you know how to win this awesome necklace from Two Kids NYC . . .
First of all, now that I have been doing this for just over a month, let me tell you how much I LOVE writing Kissing Frogs: My Adventures in Dating and I love having this facebook page and I want to thank all of you for being a part of this.
Kissing Frogs was inspired by all the talks I have had with friends, sitting around sharing laughs and stories about dating and all the frogs we have kissed. And that’s what I love: THE DISCUSSION!!! And that’s what I’m looking for ~ more discussion – enough about me and what I think (well, maybe not completely but . . .) I want to hear from YOU!
So in order to enter to win, you have to participate – anytime you comment you will be entered to win. That’s right. Every time you comment on a post on WordPress or here on Facebook during the month of October, you will be entered to win. Participation counts Ladies (and Gents, why not get a little love by winning the love necklace for a special someone)!
So here we go, let’s laugh about love, guys, dating and let your thoughts be heard here.
Pucker Up

Living (sorta) young (sometimes) wild and free

645e1c266dc4b6583265d7c7754dc37aSeven years: a blink of an eye or an eternity? I think that the answer depends on what seven years is the sum of. In regards to the seven years I am thinking of, the answer is both. What seven year span am I talking about? My last relationship.

Ending a seven year relationship when you are twenty six years old is pretty surreal. At that time, I had been a part of a couple for almost my entire adult life. I had thought about ending things between us a few times in the last two or three years that we were together but had always changed my mind. When I was finally ready to leave, I realized that in the back of my head that whole time (now very much making it’s way into the forefront) was a fear or being single. The anxiety of being on my own made me drag out the breakup and lie not only to him but to myself as well, about what it was I was feeling. I was scared that, even though my life with him wasn’t what I wanted, my life without him would be even worse.

I moved out on my own and wasn’t sure what to expect.  This was my first time living by myself, I imagined my life being lonely, boring and sad. And was I? Yeah of course I was at times, who wouldn’t be after living with other people for twenty six years? But that was only at first.  I started spending more time with friends, friends who I probably should have been making more time for all along. This also happened to coincide with me taking on more responsibilities and longer hours at work. Having a full schedule that kept me occupied was such a big help. Finally (and I really do believe that this is a progression and that this final step sneaks up on you), I started being more comfortable being alone and having chunks of time to myself. All of a sudden, I realized that I was having a blast leading a really fun and happy, although sometimes hectic, life as a single woman.

I became so busy that I started to worry that I was just too busy to date. I still do feel that way sometimes. A common perception of the single girl who starts to date is that she trades in countless nights spent on her couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt for evenings in an LBD (haha, let’s discuss this misconception ~ when was the last time you put on a LITTLE BLACK DRESS to go on a first date? How about BT,B,JAB ~BLACK TANK, BLAZER, JEANS AND BOOTS) enjoying a night of exotic cocktails and dancing. I for one, have so few evenings home on the couch that I have to be pretty interested in a guy to want to trade too many of these nights in in order to spend time with him.  I’ve stopped putting too much pressure on myself to be open minded and realized that if something feels like a deal breaker then maybe it is for me, and I don’t necessarily need to talk myself out of feeling that way. For example (and I feel like I’m going to catch flack for saying this but for the sake of honesty I’m going to write it anyways) I had been planning on going on a date with a new guy and am now on the fence. Why? Well, one thing that I can’t help but feel like is a major strike against him is that he is a vegan. I love cooking for, and with, someone I’m dating; the idea of preparing two dinners for one just doesn’t appeal to me. Silly as it may seem, I’m also a huge fan of going out to breakfast (no joke, widely known fact about me) and he already told me he doesn’t enjoy that as his menu options are limited. Now, don’t get me wrong, any dietary decisions you make are your choice and you shouldn’t be judged for them and this guy in particular has chosen this due to inhumane animal killing practices. That being said, I am a meat eater through and through and he has made a few comments already alluding that he would be actively trying to get me to change my ways and I have gotten the sense that there is a bit of judgement on his part towards me that I’m pretty satisfied with my own eating habits and don’t plan on changing. (I had texted a good friend and asked if I was going to sound like a simpleton for admitting that I didn’t see myself dating a vegan and she responded “No. You can explain thats it’s really just that if you are going to be serious about giving something the chance to grow you have to be able to see yourself long term being comparable lifestyle-wise and as a girl who loves her red meat still mooing, you can’t see yourself compromising for quinoa and bean curd”. Well said, byline pending. . . Since I’m opting to be anonymous myself, I won’t be putting her name to the quote unless she decides that’s what she wants but don’t be surprised if this is revised to add a footnote.

The other thing I find myself wanting to know from prospective dates is what they miss most about being in a relationship. I ask this for a few reasons; one being that they may have a completely different idea of what being in a relationship is like than I do. If they are looking for someone to spend every waking moment with, I’m not the girl for them. The last guy I dated used to tease me about my ‘one night a week’ dating – now that was an exaggeration, I have no fixed number of times set aside to spend with someone and we probably saw each other about three times a week or so but once we decided to be exclusive he started trying to make sure that we spent time together every day and honestly, that was a bit too much for me. The other reason I ask is because truthfully, I don’t know that there is a whole lot about being in a relationship that I miss. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t plenty that I enjoyed but I don’t feel like my life is missing anything.

I think that writing this post, I’m making myself out to sound like the iron maiden and I definitely don’t mean to.  I’m not set on a life alone, it’s just that I don’t mind it either. I don’t have a ton of free time and therefore do become a bit protective of it. I’ve decided not to feel ashamed about considering whether or not I’m interested enough in a guy to choose going out with him over a fun night out with friends, or whether I’m going to regret shuffling my work schedule around and going into work two hours early the next day in order to see him that night, or maybe it has been a really long time since I lounged on my couch, glass of wine in hand, watching a chick flick!

So a seven year relationship that felt like an eternity then and an existence that I was scared to break out of, now does feel like the blink of an eye. My life now, the single life that I was terrified of, makes me content and is comfortable and happy. To think that I went from being afraid of being alone to being concerned about having to incorporate someone else into my life seems like such irony. I’ve decided that there is nothing wrong with leading a busy life and when the right person comes along I will make time for them because they will be worth it. Until then, there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish with my free time living sorta young, sometimes wild and free.